From Inner Critic to Inner Mentor

innermentor
innermentor

How many modern parents identify their own inner critics as the main cause of overwhelm, stress, guilt and worry? I can't tell you the number of parents I talk with who tell me that the biggest obstacle to their having a life filled with joy and fun is their own inner critic constantly riding them about what they should be doing, how they aren't quite hitting the highest standards, telling them to work harder and harder to keep up with perfection, achievement and success, externally-defined, in order to "make it" and to be sure their children will succeed as well. What if I told you there is a way to decrease the volume on this inner critic voice? What would it feel like instead to hear, identify, understand and transform the inner voice of criticism, perfectionism, worry and fear to a more empowered, centered, grounded voice of wisdom, guidance, inspiration and hope? One area of work I do with parents as a life and leadership coach is to support them in transforming their inner critic into their inner mentor, whose purpose is not to protect using fear and shame, but to guide and inspire with visions of their own true life calling and purpose.

I coach clients with visualizations, meditations and journaling exercises which lead to a stronger, more grounded relationship to their inner mentor. This inner mentor is us in the future, reaching back, helping us understand and live up to our true visions of the life we most want to lead.

When we can mentor ourselves to live the life we know we are meant to live, rather than beat ourselves up with the ways we are not measuring up to an external standard, we show up for our kids as mentors rather than as critics. This work on ourselves completes the parenting circle, beautifully.

Click here to schedule your free From Inner Critic to Inner Mentor Strategy Session today!

https://www.timetrade.com/book/SV9V6

6 Tips For No Drama Discipline

NoDramaDiscipline_Cover_Large

Any parent can tell you that disciplining their child is not easy and no parent does it perfectly.  In my Connected Parenting classes and with my own children, we spend a lot of time understanding and addressing our own triggers that get flared from our kids' behaviors.  As parents, we have a lot of unresolved feelings and issues from our own childhoods that get kicked up every time our kids misbehave.  If we could develop the self-awareness to notice when we're triggered and deal with our own feelings first, we wouldn't react so much to our children, yelling when the tips listed below would work much more effectively. Dr. Daniel Siegel is a neuroscientist from UCLA who has written several books about parenting with the neuroscientific needs of our kids (and ourselves) in mind.  In his newest book No Drama Discipline, he and Tina Bryson, Ph.D. remind parents that discipline is about teaching, not punishment, and give several beautiful illustrations of the most effective ways that parents can address our children's behaviors and emotional needs.  Here are 6 important tips from their book:

1. BE CALM

When a parent is wound up, stressed, with unresolved prior emotions already under the surface, kids and their typical horse play can trigger loud and scary yelling and reactions which get parents and their kids NOWHERE.  Most parents have had incidents where their kids are doing something they're not supposed to do like jumping on the bed and we don't say anything, we don't say anything, it goes on, until something breaks or gets knocked over and we SCREAM at our kids about how wild and irresponsible they are.  The truth is we need to set limits calmly before the behavior gets out of hand and understand that yelling and screaming at our kids is REALLY scary and unsettling for them.  It really breaks trust for them.  Parents need to take some deep breaths and remain calm.  Respond immediately by setting a calm limit when kids start doing something they know breaks the rules.  Don't give in to avoid a confrontation/tantrum and don't wait for the broken lamp and screaming.  State the limit, hold it calmly, and handle it proactively so that kids understand WHY you have a limit (to prevent things from getting broken, including the bed).  Reacting in anger, with yelling and screaming is not discipline, it's simply unresolved rage being projected onto your innocent child and it DOESN'T WORK anyway.

2. WHAT DO YOU WANT THEM TO LEARN?

Thinking about the ultimate lesson you want your kid(s) to learn can help guide your interactions with them.  You most likely want them to learn that they can't have everything they want all the time, bigger ethical qualities like care, responsibility.  Framing those lessons in your mind prior to disciplining (remember it means teaching) them can help guide your words, your tone of voice and help you to remain calm.

3. CONNECT EMOTIONALLY

Because of the limbic functioning of the brain, when kids are acting out, they are actually looking for a connection to be re-established.  If parents understand this, they can respond to off track behaviors by connecting first to help the child regulate his or her emotions.  A parent can get down and get low, put their arm around their child, look them in the eye, speak in a calm and nurturing tone, and prioritize establishing that warm connection.  Once that connection has been made or re-established, a child can calmly function and listen.

4. DO NOT ISOLATE IN ORDER TO PUNISH

The way our brains function is to need connection for self regulation and in order to think well.  When children go off track in their behaviors, isolation actually is the polar opposite response to what the brain is actually needing to function optimally.  It does not teach the lessons intended.  When we connect with our children in difficult moments, we teach them to work with us and trust us as they work through their own lessons to be learned.  We anchor them and provide support rather than isolate them to use shame as a weapon.

5. TEACH EMPATHY

Rather than forcing a child to apologize in a half hearted way that obviously lacks true desire or feeling, parents can ask their children how their actions made another person feel by asking them how they would feel if someone did that to them.  Then we are creating internal understanding and motivation on the part of the child to improve his or her behavior rather than forcing external compliance.

6. BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE... THEN LET THEM BE

If you want to see your most valued qualities in your child, like discipline, kindness, creativity, compassion, etc., be those qualities in your interactions and every day living.  This is how your children will learn them best.  Once you are using these tips to connect, teach, draw on their empathy, create compassion, and demonstrate excellence through your own living example, it's time to let your children be who THEY are.  Let go, allow space for them to be their unique selves.  They are not mirror images or "mini me's" of you.  They are individuals wanting their own unique expression in this world.

Health and Wellness Habits for a Better Marriage

Couple doing push-ups in home gym

How often do you and your partner plan your week of workouts, wellness and healthcare needs like meals, massages, walks, meditation completely separately from one another?  It's great to have individual space and needs met, but imagine of instead of going this alone, we planned, worked out with and generally practiced wellness TOGETHER with our spouse, side by side.  Wouldn't it cut out about half the work and ensure that each of you made it to your workouts 50% more often? In this post, I want to provide some ideas for structuring a couples' wellness plan that is sustainable and actionable.

Mornings:

Try to get up before the kids and practice yoga and meditation together.  Take turns figuring out your routines or picking out videos you'd like to use.  I suggest at least 15 minutes of yoga and 15 minutes of meditation.  After your couples' practice, take turns getting up and caring for the kids, taking showers, eating breakfast.  As a family, plan for 2o minutes to practice a kid friendly yoga stretch and mindfulness meditation for a total of about 15-20 minutes so the kids also start their day off feeling confident, relaxed and connected to themselves.

At breakfast, try adding in a smoothie or fresh juice that the whole family will like.  Many parents report that kids will eat veggies when they're whipped into a fun smoothie that looks and smells great and is fun to eat!  My kids are even bigger fans of green juice than I am!  It is soo healthy and soo yummy.

Afternoons:

If you work near each other, how bout meeting to take a walk or have lunch and catch up with no kids scrambling around you?  Most couples find that even one hour per week of no-kid conversation can really strengthen their bond.

Evenings:

After the kids are in bed, you can do a workout video together one night, the next night, take a bath and exchange couples' massage to wind down from your day.  Alternating exercise nights with wellness nights can be a great rhythm to get into.

You can make soups in the winter which are nourishing and comforting.  If you are trying to eat mostly paleo, plan to make the same meal you eat for your kids.  They love to eat just like you and will be setting up some great life habits.

Reach for the Sun

dream ave & believe st

“It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.”         ― Joyce Maynard

While modern parents take the time to read every parenting book published, discuss behavioral, policy and schooling solutions with friends, educators, family members, colleagues and co-parents at every opportunity, deep down each of us understands the simple truth of this quote:  if we want our children to be their best selves, to grow into happy, well adjusted, life-loving, confident, capable, successful individuals personally and professionally, the power we have to influence that outcome is to do and be the exact same thing ourselves; to treasure our own lives by making them what we know they can be.

When I became a parent, I put my own life on hold for some time so that I could be available and present to the needs of each of my kids. I slowly took on building a new business serving parents, completed certifications, learned the tricks of my trade, but mostly, have spent the last 5+ years savoring the preciousness of these early years of life with my children.

At times, I have felt lost in my career. I gave up a certain career track that was headed in a workaholic direction that I didn't feel I could sustain while being the Mom I wanted to be nor modeling the life I most wanted to live to my precious new children.

I took my own path, and I am so glad. However, it has not been easy. There have been many days when I've worried about the future of my children, mostly from a place of projecting my own unfinished dreams and business.

It is on the days when I am attending to my own dreams and needs as a learner and doer and contributing member of society and feeling fulfilled in my life's purpose and mission that I parent at my best.  On these days, I attend to my self care by eating healthy foods, meditating and exercising.  I think, write and create and enjoy my time.  I serve others by giving talks and coaching.  I volunteer at our school.  I see friends and family and feel that I am living a rich, meaningful, FUN life!

This vision for what reaching for the sun means, looks and feels like is unique to every individual!  There is no cookie-cutter definition for what "success," "dreams," "reaching for the sun" looks like.  That is the beauty of this life - becoming centered and grounded in ourselves, our values, our skills, abilities and passions and then offering those to the world in the unique way that only we as an individual can.

I invite those reading this post to stop what you are doing and thinking for a few moments and get honest with yourself. How are you reaching for the sun in your life today, this week, this month, this year? Have you been allowing yourself to have enough time and space to experience and create in your life what really matters most to you?  What has been getting in your way?  How can you handle those obstacles this coming year in a way that gets you on track to your dreams?

I will help you to gain clarity, focus, motivation and action steps towards living the life you most want to live, so you can inspire your children to do the same in their one wild and precious life.

Click here to schedule today!

You Can Be the Parent You Want to Be

happyfamilybeach

Parents today struggle to be present with ourselves and our kids as our 24-hour connectedness to technology and work often pull our attention away from the present moment. Our children feel this distractedness and act in ways to pull our attention back to the present moment, to them, to meet their developmental needs. Our children's cries, tantrums, yelling to get our attention back to the present moment and to them can feel grating on our nerves. We have been taught to interpret these signals for our presence and attention as something to get rid of, to shut down, to punish. Add to that the intense pace of life which leaves little room to be aware of the present moment and before you know it, parents are yelling, dismissing, disengaging from the opportunity that these behaviors are actually giving us to re-connect with our children in a patient, present and positive way.

Children haven't changed much over the ages: their brains, bodies and hearts still need what they have always needed. What has changed is the way we live, what society expects of parents, and the pacing of life, all of which conspire to make parents overwhelmed, stressed and reactive.

What if there were another way to do this parenting thing? What if we could liberate ourselves from this reactive way of life and choose to parent from a place of patience, presence and positivity? Imagine a time when you child's behavior grated on you and you reacted. Now imagine instead of that response, you had learned the skills to respond with patience, presence and positivity. Stop and imagine what that would feel like. In your body, what would the sensations be with this new way of being? How would your facial expression change? What words would you speak? How would you feel differently about your child and his/her needs?

When I discovered the connected parenting and mindfulness tools that I teach, I viscerally felt lighter and I started to live and parent from a more authentic place that felt right to me. These tools and practices empowered me to let go of the messages swirling around me from the outside to move faster, expect more, schedule more and more, to curate this ideal, "perfect" child in response to some pervasive modern parenting fears.

What I embraced instead what the actual child standing in front of me, her strengths, her personality, her wants and desires. And in embracing her, I embraced myself. I started to really celebrate myself for who I am, shedding layers and layers of who I thought I was supposed to be. Talk about freeing! Ultimately, the invitation our young beings offer us, their parents, from the moment they are born is that by unconditionally loving them, they teach us to unconditionally love ourselves and all other beings. Thank you, dear child, for this gift :-).

I work with parents who are in all kinds of situations: parents who are overwhelmed by their to do lists and are not enjoying life or parenting much at all, parents who are so connected to their work they find it hard to find the time to connect to parenting, parents who have changed careers and are still defining their post-child identities, parents who are finding it tough to communicate with loved ones without yelling, parents who are feeling isolated and lonely and want to find that village that will raise their child they always hear people talking about, parents who are confused about what good parenting looks like because they weren't parented that way, parents who want to add a few more tools to their tool kits to be the best parents they can be, and parents who are looking to join with other likeminded parents to have more fun, create more community and redefine the current parenting paradigm on their own, more freeing terms.

Please call me today at (650) 308-9425 or email me at kiran@theconnectedfamily.net so we can talk about your authentic vision of parenting and together, create a plan of action for you to realize it. You can be the parent you want to be and I will be the biggest supporter on your journey.

Becoming a Second Time Parent

Are you conteIMG_5127mplating the important question of whether to bring another child into your family? I went through the transition to second-time motherhood one year ago this month. Being a mom to two girls under 4 for the past 12 months has been amazing and challenging. I always thought if I had two kids I would have them very close together, as I am a twin. I finally felt ready to think about another child when my older daughter turned 2 and I turned 39. The clock was ticking louder than ever. So we started trying and it took a little longer the second time, but we conceived after about 4 months. We were glad they would be three years apart—good spacing for many reasons.

Being seasoned parents, we wanted to be really prepared for No. 2. First, we moved from San Francisco to Palo Alto for access to great schools as well as proximity to work and a good community of friends with kids. Our new house was a block from a park.

We also made many other changes to streamline our life as a family. For example, my husband started putting the older one to bed, and I prepared to spend many hours during the night nursing and comforting. I also spent lots of precious alone time with our older daughter—which would never return again after the arrival of her sibling—and prepared her for the huge change and even bigger blessing that was going to arrive with the new baby in her life.

Even with all of this preparation, many of the realities of bringing baby home and truly transforming into a family of four were challenging: Now I had the baby in tow with me everywhere. I constantly barked at my older daughter to keep it down and not wake the baby. I was so exhausted from sleep deprivation that I had a short fuse. I also missed spending time with my older daughter. And she missed it, too, and felt sad when I snapped at her. The baby was beautiful, but she just lay there, ate and slept. It was tough on so many levels. It took a good nine months for me to get my bearings.

Now that the baby is 10.5 months, we have figured a lot of this out and enjoy our current state as a family of four. If you’re considering your own No. 2, here are some tips to keep in mind:

  • Accept that until the baby is 4 months old, you will be doing a lot of parallel parenting. Dad will be with the older sibling, and you will be with the baby. It will feel like you have a split-up family, and you will feel even more like you have no relationship with your spouse. This is temporary and necessary. Dig in, and do what you have to do to get through those first several months.
  • Create some special time with your older child so that they will receive one-on-one time with each parent during the week—even just 10 minutes. The older child needs to connect with each parent, especially the mom who is ALWAYS with the baby. When the baby goes down for a nap or if someone can take the baby for a little while, take the older child out. It can be to eat a snack, read a book, go to the park or do Special Time. The last one is a technique taught by Hand in Hand Parenting: Set a timer for any amount of time between 10 and 60 minutes, tell your child, “we can do ANYTHING you want to do” and let him or her lead the special time session. You give all your attention (no phones or other distractions) and just play along with what the child wants to do. It will fill his or her need for attention like nothing else and help him or her with the difficult feelings of sharing you with the new baby.

 

  • If you haven’t already put your older child in preschool, do so and consider extending how much time he or she is in school so that this child is entertained, well cared for and stimulated during the difficult months when you have to give your all to the new baby.
  • Get as much help as you possibly can. If you don’t have help from a family member or friend, bring a babysitter or nanny into your household mix as early as you can. There will be times when you want a sitter to be with the baby so you can spend time with your older child. You may need time to do some self-care, as you will be exhausted. Or maybe you will want help with cleaning. Whatever you need, this is the time to be liberal with getting help with all kinds of tasks and duties as it will take several months for you to get into a rhythm with two kids. It can get expensive in the spending department, but remind yourself that it is temporary and an investment in your emotional well-being to have help around your home.
  • Join or create a second-time moms group. DayOne has a wonderful class that meets for 4-week sessions on Tuesday mornings. It’s a place where new second-time moms come to talk about what is really going on, commiserate and generate ideas for support. I created a Second Time Moms playgroup for kids born spring–summer 2012 through PAMP. It has been nice to meet with moms who were all going through the same things at around the same time and to get out of the house and get some fresh air.

Kiran Gaind is a PAMP staff writer and owner of The Connected Family, a boutique coaching practice for modern parents. Drop her a line at kiran@theconnectedfamily.net.