From Inner Critic to Inner Mentor

innermentor
innermentor

How many modern parents identify their own inner critics as the main cause of overwhelm, stress, guilt and worry? I can't tell you the number of parents I talk with who tell me that the biggest obstacle to their having a life filled with joy and fun is their own inner critic constantly riding them about what they should be doing, how they aren't quite hitting the highest standards, telling them to work harder and harder to keep up with perfection, achievement and success, externally-defined, in order to "make it" and to be sure their children will succeed as well. What if I told you there is a way to decrease the volume on this inner critic voice? What would it feel like instead to hear, identify, understand and transform the inner voice of criticism, perfectionism, worry and fear to a more empowered, centered, grounded voice of wisdom, guidance, inspiration and hope? One area of work I do with parents as a life and leadership coach is to support them in transforming their inner critic into their inner mentor, whose purpose is not to protect using fear and shame, but to guide and inspire with visions of their own true life calling and purpose.

I coach clients with visualizations, meditations and journaling exercises which lead to a stronger, more grounded relationship to their inner mentor. This inner mentor is us in the future, reaching back, helping us understand and live up to our true visions of the life we most want to lead.

When we can mentor ourselves to live the life we know we are meant to live, rather than beat ourselves up with the ways we are not measuring up to an external standard, we show up for our kids as mentors rather than as critics. This work on ourselves completes the parenting circle, beautifully.

Click here to schedule your free From Inner Critic to Inner Mentor Strategy Session today!

https://www.timetrade.com/book/SV9V6

Reach for the Sun

dream ave & believe st

“It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.”         ― Joyce Maynard

While modern parents take the time to read every parenting book published, discuss behavioral, policy and schooling solutions with friends, educators, family members, colleagues and co-parents at every opportunity, deep down each of us understands the simple truth of this quote:  if we want our children to be their best selves, to grow into happy, well adjusted, life-loving, confident, capable, successful individuals personally and professionally, the power we have to influence that outcome is to do and be the exact same thing ourselves; to treasure our own lives by making them what we know they can be.

When I became a parent, I put my own life on hold for some time so that I could be available and present to the needs of each of my kids. I slowly took on building a new business serving parents, completed certifications, learned the tricks of my trade, but mostly, have spent the last 5+ years savoring the preciousness of these early years of life with my children.

At times, I have felt lost in my career. I gave up a certain career track that was headed in a workaholic direction that I didn't feel I could sustain while being the Mom I wanted to be nor modeling the life I most wanted to live to my precious new children.

I took my own path, and I am so glad. However, it has not been easy. There have been many days when I've worried about the future of my children, mostly from a place of projecting my own unfinished dreams and business.

It is on the days when I am attending to my own dreams and needs as a learner and doer and contributing member of society and feeling fulfilled in my life's purpose and mission that I parent at my best.  On these days, I attend to my self care by eating healthy foods, meditating and exercising.  I think, write and create and enjoy my time.  I serve others by giving talks and coaching.  I volunteer at our school.  I see friends and family and feel that I am living a rich, meaningful, FUN life!

This vision for what reaching for the sun means, looks and feels like is unique to every individual!  There is no cookie-cutter definition for what "success," "dreams," "reaching for the sun" looks like.  That is the beauty of this life - becoming centered and grounded in ourselves, our values, our skills, abilities and passions and then offering those to the world in the unique way that only we as an individual can.

I invite those reading this post to stop what you are doing and thinking for a few moments and get honest with yourself. How are you reaching for the sun in your life today, this week, this month, this year? Have you been allowing yourself to have enough time and space to experience and create in your life what really matters most to you?  What has been getting in your way?  How can you handle those obstacles this coming year in a way that gets you on track to your dreams?

I will help you to gain clarity, focus, motivation and action steps towards living the life you most want to live, so you can inspire your children to do the same in their one wild and precious life.

Click here to schedule today!

Balancing it All: Top 5 Ways to Become Minimalist

Family holding hands

In today's intense work and parenting times, many of us find ourselves hurriedly running around in the car from appointment to activity, returning home to clutter and chaos.  There is hardly a chance to breathe, much less feel balanced. There is a movement gaining momentum which encourages us, even parents, to become minimalist.  In a minimalist lifestyle, clutter is gone, stress is reduced, and people actively behave in their daily lives, and create in their environments, balance through simplicity.

So today I share with you top 5 ways to turn your chaotic lifestyle around to become minimalist, even if you are a dual working parent household:

1.)  Get rid of stuff:

If you go through the scattered toys, clothes closets, junk drawers, all the stuff in your house and get rid of anything you have not used in the last 6 months, you will be surprised at how different your environment will feel and look.  And what's more, if you bring those extra things that are doing nothing but cluttering your space to a charity that serves poor families, your clutter becomes someone else's treasure.  Nothing better than a win-win!

2.)  Cut out extra activities:

Sure, your neighbor's kid is going to be a world chess champion, and the Nobel Prize winner's daughter at school is probably going to get into Harvard one day.  Does that mean you have to sign your kids up for 6 different activities, signing yourself up to become an unpaid chauffeur?  Not necessary.  Let your kids be who THEY are.  It's not about comparing them or keeping up with perceived greatness.  Your kids will make their own progress just fine.  The important thing is that you and your family spend quality time together.  What if in the afternoons when you normally would be running around from activity to activity, you and your kids laugh and play and connect?  What if you spend that time NOT STRESSED and your kids experience your presence?  Don't we all know that that is what matters most to our kids' growth and development?  Go through your weekly schedule and for now, pick one or two things that your kids really excel at or love and stick with those.  Everything else, cut them out and stay home or find simpler, free ways to spend your time, TOGETHER.  Your kids, your life, your spouse, everyone around you will thank you for taking this step because it will make you all happier.

3.)  Let go of your To Do List:

If  you're like most modern moms, your To Do List is like an angry boss who never relents.  Your To Do list controls your entire existence.  Really?  Is this why we had families and work so hard everyday?  What would it feel like to just let the To Do List go for a while and replace it instead with one or two major things per day that you need to get done?  Are the To Do List police going to come after you?  I don't think so.  It is a CHOICE to live a lifestyle that creates stress and overwhelm.  And while we choose that because we think somehow it makes us a better mom or a more efficient person, in the end, the anxiety and stress caused by it bring us down and get in our way.  So for the next month, burn your To Do List.  Seriously.  Just let it go.  And let yourself experience some freedom from anxiety, worry and stress.  What you gain in centeredness, groundedness and a feeling of freedom will serve you better in the long run than chasing after a finished To Do List, which is impossible to attain.  When we die, our inboxes will be full.  So what?

4.)  Spend More Time in Nature:

Research shows that people who spend time in nature are happier and experience a feeling of balance in their lives.  The natural sounds, beauty, energy and lessons available to us when we are in nature have an impact on our inner rhythms, our sense of time, and our connectedness with all that lives.  When we spend too much time around technology, we are robbing ourselves of these opportunities.  Remember that technology and gadgets, the latest app, all of that "cutting edge" stuff is really produced for companies to get rich off of us.  What if we let go of the time we spend using technology and replace it with time spent in nature?  The local park counts.  Sure, if you have a chance to go take a real, longer hike in the woods, great.  But just choosing the park and outdoor play over technology will make a huge difference in yours and your child's life.  Every chance you get, when you see yourself opening the laptop, your kids turning to the video games, whatever form screens are taking over your family, close them, turn them OFF.  Open the door and go outside.  Even for 15 minutes, time spent in fresh air will serve all of you better now and in the long run.

5.)  Tell stories and connect:

Some parents may wonder what they will do with time created by cutting out all the things that stress them out and have their family running around like chickens with their heads cut off.  No gymnastics class?  What will I do with that time?  No TV?!  How will I possibly entertain my kids?  Well, here is an idea.  What if with the time created by letting go of the chaos, you spent some time telling stories and connecting with your family?  Research is showing that the more kids understand about their parents', grandparents' and family's lives, the more they can recount stories about where you grew up, who your friends were, what milestones you reached, what you learned along your journey, etc., the more grounded their sense of self is in life.  Sure, it takes a bit of time and energy, but connecting with your family is always time well spent.  And this is authentic time together, not created by buzzing lights and plastic levers.  This is just people being together, sharing what their lives have been, and satisfying natural curiosity that kids have to know their histories, their parents, and their own lives more deeply.  Enjoy those special, meaningful and fun moments!

Some of these ideas may seem impossible from where you currently are in your time management and family lifestyle.  But they are completely within your reach.    Everyone can benefit from slowing down, deepening into themselves, embracing simplicity, and relying on nature and connection to teach them what matters most in life.  You will not be sorry!

What's Your Type? The Enneagram for Parents

nine personality types on blackboard

The Enneagram is a robust system of personality, self-awareness and personal growth. As parents, we are challenged daily to grow ourselves into our best selves so as to meet the developing needs of our children in a peaceful and loving manner. The Enneagram can offer a path out of ineffective parenting patterns such as reacting to children with shortness, yelling and using punishments.  Once you identify your core personality type, it can be studied, practiced and incorporated into one’s behaviors to show up for our children and the rest of our lives with more grace and effectiveness. The Enneagram is different from more commonly known personality typing tools, like the Meyer’s Briggs, because it provides more than a static snapshot or box that people fit into in terms of their tendencies and behaviors.

The Enneagram is an ancient personality system which aims to capture the 9 personality types present in the human family. The types include The Reformer (1), The Giver (2), The Achiever (3), The Individualist (4), The Investigator (5), The Loyalist (6), The Enthusiast (7), The Challenger (8) and The Peacemaker (9). The names of the personality types come from the ways in which each type attempts to make its mark on the world, and respond to its need for love and recognition. Each type behaves in specific ways to gain approval and earn the love that we all seek as human beings, starting from a young age.

In addition to providing a current view of how a person is behaving, the Enneagram system is built upon the idea that personalities, and people, evolve over time. The more a person knows about him/herself and his/her behaviors, takes conscious action to untangle misconceived ideas about love and belonging, and becomes fully self-accepting, self-realized and effective in the world, the more each type evolves to become their highest self.

I came across the Enneagram many years ago when I was having challenges in a relationship and at work, with people who often seemed to speak a different language than I did in their behaviors and assumptions.

At that time, my father had just passed away and I had just begun the arduous journey of becoming an inner city public high school teacher. I was under stress and was typed as an Enneagram 8 — the Challenger. I was focused on being in charge of projects, often with strong, dominating energy to get the job done.  This was how I needed to be to be a successful teacher, so I thought, and it "worked" in terms of helping me to feel confident and effective at that point of my life.

I came to realize when I began my coaching program two years ago, that I had been mis-typed. Each Enneagram personality not only has a type that we evolve to, but also a type that we go to under stress. I am actually an Enneagram Type 2, the Giver. The Giver is most concerned with, well, giving to others.  There is a genuine desire to be helpful.  There has also been a learned habit to tend to the needs of others in order to feel loved.  The work of the 2 is to decipher between this pattern of giving in order to feel worthy and lovable versus taking the time to love oneself, to make time for one self, to fill one's own cup through appropriate self love, and then to support and help others from this abundant place.  It is freeing for a 2 to have permission to take time for oneself, to put one's self first and to arrest the pattern of putting everyone else's needs ahead of one's own in order to feel loved.  Most 2's eventually reach burn out from this pattern.  Starting with the self, really taking the time and space to attend to one's self first is like learning a new language for a 2.  Over time, it becomes second nature and a 2 learns that he/she was lovable all along, just for being, not because he or she became indispensable through strings-attached giving.  Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, free at last...!

All personality types have wonderful qualities, but they also have patterns which can create problems, especially around self-criticism and perfectionism.

It is my self-development work to evolve to a Type 4, The Individualist, to overcome my patterns and assumptions about people and how to go about gaining love. In fact, when one evolves to their highest self/type using the Enneagram system as a tool, life no longer is about approval and seeking love from the outside, but rather about being true to oneself, living from a place of deep authenticity, integration, peace and flow.

It can also be enlightening to understand the Enneagram types of your spouse and your kids as well as people you interact and collaborate with on a regular basis at work, in the community, etc.  Once you know what another person's type is, typical communication patterns and styles of work can be better understood and people can tailor their interactions to be most effective.

Call me today for a free 30 minute You Can Be the Parent You Want to Be Breakthrough Session!  We'll discuss your ideal vision for parenting and personal growth and I can provide you with a free Enneagram assessment to get started uncovering old patterns and developing yourself into the best you can be, today.

Minimalist Parenting

determination-little-pineWhen I first heard the title of Christine Koh and Ahsa Dornfest’s new book, Minimalist Parenting, I felt a wave of calm and relief come over my body. Finally, I thought, a parenting book which cuts to the chase and addresses the root of so many modern parents’ anxiety, worry and over-parenting issues, giving us the tools to manage our time based on our values and true priorities in life and family. I expected the authors would give us an opportunity to think clearly about the kinds of families we are building, and offer tools and skills to make our vision for family life a reality.

Minimalist Parenting’s main message is about living joyfully while staying true to your values:

At the heart of Minimalist Parenting is formal permission to step off the modern parenting treadmill, and to have fun while you’re doing it. You’re not blowing your children’s shot at success – just the opposite. Living a joyous life that’s in line with your values (instead of some manufactured version of “successful” modern parenthood) will give your kids room to grow into the strong, unique people they are meant to be…More importantly, this way of being will provide a model that shows your kids how to trust their instincts as they move toward independence and adulthood. Finally, Minimalist Parenting will allow you to claim space in your own wonderful life. This is your journey as much as it is theirs….As you embrace Minimalist Parenting, the roller coaster of family life goes from anxiety provoking to fun. You’ll still experience the white-knuckle drops, the ups and downs, and a few blind turns. But you’ll be strapped in with direction and confidence, and you’ll enjoy the crazy ride.

Doesn’t that just make you breathe a huge sigh of relief and start gathering your sanity again?

I most enjoyed the section in the book that helped me to identify my “time style” and offered time management exercises. One of the authors described how she and her husband didn’t discuss their different time styles until they were married for ten years! My husband and I have only been married 4.5 years. In that time, we’ve had two kids, a move to a new house, a job change and a new business. We definitely haven’t had the chance to analyze our time style differences. This book is helping us to do that now.

For example, if you were to have an ideal day off, how planned ahead would it be, how full of activity would it be and how many people would you want to see? In answering these three questions, the book offers three dimensions to consider in determining your time style — planned-ness, filled-ness and peopled-ness. For many couples, each partner’s time style would be completely opposite, affecting the success of different family scheduling practices. In our family, my husband and I differ on all three dimensions of time style as defined above. I tend to pack our schedule with activities that are planned in advance and are social in nature, because given a perfect day off, that is how I would spend it. My husband would be spontaneous, chill out and maybe see a friend at one point in the day. And our kids move more slowly than I do, too. So when I go into uber-planned, activity-filled, social mode, I am inadvertently tiring out the whole family and our older child has tantrums. This book helps me to see how considering the entire family’s time style will help me to make a more reasonable weekly schedule for our entire family.

The book also takes the reader on a journey of decluttering the home, decluttering finances, understanding the value of educational opportunities both inside and outside of school, simplifying extracurriculars, streamlining meal planning and aligning celebrations and vacations to prioritized family values.

The Minimalist Parenting website offers a free online MinCamp, which may be a great way to start your journey. Another idea is to work through the book with parents from your moms group, school community or neighborhood, book-group style.

What’s Your Type?

The Enneagram is different from more commonly known personality typing tools, like the Meyer’s Briggs, used in traditional work environments, because it provides more than a static snapshot or box that people fit into in terms of their tendencies and behaviors. The Enneagram is an ancient personality system which aims to capture the 9 personality types present in the human family. The types include The Reformer (1), The Giver (2), The Achiever (3), The Individualist (4), The Investigator (5), The Loyalist (6), The Enthusiast (7), The Challenger (8) and The Peacemaker (9). The names of the personality types come from the ways in which each type attempts to make its mark on the world, and respond to its need for love and recognition. Each type behaves in specific ways to gain approval and earn the love that we all seek as human beings, starting from a young age.

In addition to providing a current view of how a person is behaving, the Enneagram system is built upon the idea that personalities, and people, evolve over time. The more a person knows about him/herself and his/her behaviors, takes conscious action to untangle misconceived ideas about love and belonging, to become more fully self-accepting, self-realized and effective in the world, the more each type evolves to become their highest self.

I came across the Enneagram many years ago when I was figuring out what was causing challenges in a relationship and at work, in my dealings with other people, who often seemed to speak a different language than I did in their behaviors and assumptions.

At that time, my father had just passed away and I had just begun the arduous journey of becoming an inner city public high school teacher, so I was under stress and was typed as an Enneagram 4, the Individualist. I was withdrawn, focused on how different I was from others, how unique, and often assumed that no one else saw the same issues and problems that I saw in the same ways.

I came to realize when I began my coaching program two years ago, that I had been mis-typed during that time. Each Enneagram type not only has a type that they evolve to, but also a type that they go to under stress.

I am actually an Enneagram Type 1, the Reformer, who was under stress when I started teaching and behaved an awful lot like a Type 4. The Type 1, Reformer, is concerned with doing the right thing, serving people, and is very values and ethics-based in their decision making. It is absolutely the accurate type which describes my core values and behaviors; type 1 (and all types) has its wonderful qualities as well as patterns which can create problems, especially around self-criticism and perfectionism.

It is my self-development work to evolve to a Type 7, The Enthusiast, to overcome my patterns and assumptions about people and how to go about gaining love. In fact, when one evolves to their highest self/type, using the Enneagram system as a tool, life no longer is about approval and seeking love from the outside, but rather about being true to oneself, living from a place of deep authenticity, integration, peace and flow.

If you are curious to understand yourself, your behaviors under stress, how you can consciously act in order to evolve, assumptions which lead to patterns in relationships, communication and work-related issues, give me a call today for a free consultation! I provide my clients with Enneagram assessments and provide coaching programs which help to make this such an invaluable tool for self growth and realization.

I hope to hear from you soon!

All My Best, Kiran